How To Survive In A Horror Movie
by EyeShadow1432
Summary: Travis and Connor Stoll get bored and make a guide of How to survive in a horror movie.


How to survive in a horror movie

**Hi! Any mistakes you found here, sorry! I´m Portuguese and I just translate this one shot from Portuguese, just to know if I could do it. Once again, sorry for any mistake you found. I hope you like it!**

Travis: Hey!

Connor: Hey!

Travis: You must wonder…

Connor: …. How there´s always someone that can survive in the end of a movie

Travis: We don´t know

Connor: But we have a complete guide to survive in

Both: HORROR MOVIE!

Travis: Here some rules….

When it looks like you kill the killer, don´t check if he´s really dead

If you are a good dog, you have 50% of chance to survive. God dogs just die if they try to help their master… it´s better stay quietly in your corner

If you are a bad dog, you will die in the end of the movie

If you are a cat, hide and pray for the monsters not found you

If you find dead people walking around along the living, just kill yourself

If you find out that your house was built upon a cemetery or a church where happened crazy things like satanic rites and necrophilia or collective suicides; don´t try to understand the story, go away immediately

If your house has a basement, don´t go down, principally if there's no light

When with friends, never get out alone to get something in the fridge and say: "I´ll get back". You´ll never see your friends again

If your friends start to show weird habits like fascination (and adoration) for blood, exposed fractures, the smell of dead bodies and injuries, try to stay away from them as fast as possible

In your kitchen, never let knives and other biting objects at reach

If you´re woman, never take long baths

If you´re the one who likes work out, be careful! The tough guy is always one of the first victims, just like the first woman to strip

If the machines start working alone, move house

Don´t pick up or lend something that belonged to a dead person

If you´re running from the killer, fall at least twice

Never get in in a room without see behind the door. It´s there or in the closet that the danger is

If your children start talking in Latin or other strange language or with a deep voice that doesn´t belong to them, don´t think twice: shoot to kill. You´ll be safe from a lot of things, but is good to be ready, because kill it it´s not going to be easy

Never go visiting a cemetery after midnight and if you go, don´t stand next, in front, or behind a tomb

Never read out loud books about possession or other satanic books, even if it is a joke

If you hear a weird noise and find just a cat, run immediately. This advice will keep you alive

During the night, don´t listen recordings with violins and cellos as instrumental base

If you travel and find a city apparently deserted, get out immediately

Stay away from certain geographical localizations such as: Transylvania, Elm Street, Amityville, Woodsboro, Crystal Lake, Nil bog (God help you if you know this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any little city in Maine

In every new city, try to believe in every local myth and belief

If you have problems with your car in road, don´t go look for a phone. If you´re near an old mansion or a castle in a mountain, don´t go find shelter: stay in the car

Stay away from weird guys who been working with an hacksaw, axes, rifles, mowers, harpoons, sharp knives,… even in real life

If you are using a gun to fight the monster, find another way to protect yourself, because ammunitions always finish when the monster is close!

Don´t open a locked door if you heard strange noises on the other side

Don´t enter in a dark room

If you´re a man, get out as fast as possible, because just women survive

Never take a bath alone at home

If you´re woman, never show your breasts

Ask why are selling the house so cheap

If the phone line is dead and you´re hearing footsteps in the stairs, don´t follow the "guest". RUN IMMEDIATELY!

Never pick up the phone to call for help. Probably, the next thing you´ll see is the killer cut your head off

If you defeat the killer, pay attention to the camera, if she starts to go back without a motive, RUN!

You dog can take care of itself

Your wife too

And your children

And your mother-in-law

If you´re not the main character, the painless way is suicide

Your plan to kill the killer always have every possibility. Except the one who happened

Don´t try to be smart. It just going to help you get kill

When you knock out the killer with your gun, shoot every bullet in his head

Don´t go to summer camps

Don´t feel guilty

If you throw away something yours, like a doll and etc., and find it in your car/house, move to another country. Of course it will be there waiting for you

If you have to run away, take a bus, because the monster is in the backseat of your car. And they´ll destroy any plane or ship you take

If you´re a kid, don´t get in panic! Monsters just attack teenagers and at the most, you could be possessed, so calm down!

Remember you can buy another dog

If you´re certain that you kill the monster, shoot him in the head, burn him, eat him, vomit him and throw the vomit in the sea. And wait for the next Halloween…

If you´re running away from a monster and find a friend who asks: "What´s going on?", don´t try to explain, keep running

Whatever you do, don´t sleep

Don´t try to bring things from dreams

If you start having nightmares and if they became true, kill yourself, because you can´t cheat death…

If you and your friends begin having the same dreams/nightmares, be careful… they can became true

Don´t sleep in the bathtub

Follow every rules above


End file.
